Puppy Time

Puppy Problems

The following story is about a puppy and his master. You are the puppy. People who aren't puppies are the masters or humans.

Puppies are not human; they are dogs. Humans are not puppies, but they can still be dogs.

Puppies eventually grow up to be just like humans, only smarter, faster, and a lot more fun to be around.

Once you are a puppy, you can't suddenly stop being a puppy; that's silly. Being silly can be fun, but only when puppies are playing with other puppies.

When dealing with slow humans, puppies need to slow down, take it down a notch, and respect that humans live in a slower existence.

Puppies run fast, bark fast, eat fast, pretty much do everything fast. Humans not so much.

So, when puppies are around humans, they need to slow down a little.

5 Ways Puppies Can Slow Down

These techniques can be enjoyed by both puppies and puppy owners. Read carefully; my stories may have a few double entendres here and there.

Learning to Bark

For dogs, especially beagles like me, talking is complicated.

Well, I mean, we talk by barking, so that part is easy if you're a dog, but communication is much more than what you bark about.

When I want something, I give my master the puppy dog eyes, and I get whatever I want without a single bark.

Of course, I have to make sure my master is looking me in the eyes, so I have to watch his eye movements and continue barking until he sees my puppy dog eyes.

It's easier if my master is the one barking, because then he's already looking me in the eyes, and I can just communicate silently by keeping eye contact until he's done barking his nonsense.

Sure, I have no idea what he's saying, but some keywords I recognize and remember that they might lead to me getting a treat or a walk outside.

I love fresh air. Don't you?

Sometimes my master just barks for way too long, and I start getting bored from hearing the same sounding barks over and over again.

When that happens, I found that the best solution is to let my master know how much I agree and understand with a quick, friendly yelp to display my agreement to whatever the barking is about.
Most of the time, that gets my master to stop barking so much.

If my master keeps barking, and the puppy dog eye routine isn't working, then I repeat back some of the keywords I hear, so my master knows I'm listening, even if the barking is making no sense at all.

Now as a dog, I can bark at the same time my master is barking and understand both barks at the same time.

Unfortunately, humans can't understand more than one bark at a time.

If a human is barking, then if I bark at the same time, the human gets confused.

Usually, a confused human is an angry human.

Tricking Puppies

Sometimes, humans think just because I'm a dog, they can make me do tricks whenever they want.

I like doing tricks as much as the next dog, but when a human tries to do tricks, it looks ridiculous.

Sometimes though, telling a human how ridiculous they look trying to do a trick doesn't stop them from trying.

In this situation, it's best to get other dogs to help get the human to go away.

If the human is trying to do tricks that dogs don't like, then a dog needs to pay close attention and remember the trick, so that other dogs can be made aware of the silly human trying to do tricks only dogs should do.

It's easy to tell when a human is trying to do a trick because they change their bark speed and tone.

When their bark sounds higher or has more vibrations in each bark, then the human is about to try a new trick and wants to convince you it isn't a trick when it is.

Be careful with humans that try to do tricks.

They were not trained to be good dogs.

Usually, you can see in their eyes if they are scanning each of your eyes back and forth, from left to right, then the silly human is trying to do a doggie trick.

It's silly.

Most dogs just walk away when humans try to be dogs.

If a puppy is stuck and can't escape silly humans, then maybe learn the trick so you can see it starting next time before you get stuck.

Walking Puppies

Puppies need lots of exercise.

Unfortunately, humans only have two legs, so they are very slow.

Humans cannot keep up with dogs.

All dogs are faster than humans.

Especially as a puppy, you can run fast and see many different things going on at the same time.
Humans can't process anything when they are running.

When a human tries to run really fast, even their eyes fall behind, and either they have to slow down or they fall down.

When humans have to slow down or fall down, they get confused.

Remember what happens when a human gets confused?

When walking with a human, try not to run ahead too fast, because the human will feel left out.

Everybody likes to feel included, dogs and humans.

Feeding Puppies

Puppies expend a lot of energy running around and barking all day.

Sugar is very bad for puppies.

The more sugar a puppy eats, the more problems the puppy will have.

When puppies eat healthy steamed vegetables and roasted or baked meats, they feel good.

Every puppy likes feeling good.

Sugar makes puppies feel bad.

Fried foods also make puppies feel bad just like sugar.

For a puppy to have good lasting energy all day, they should eat a big healthy breakfast with healthy starches and carbs that will give them energy just like sugar would but will last all day instead of just a few minutes.

When puppies stop eating sugar, they don't have to bark as much.

Humans get confused when puppies bark too much.

Remember what happens when humans get confused?

Treating Puppies

All puppies love getting treats and affection.

When our masters neglect us, we get anxious.

Sometimes our masters are busy doing human stuff.

One example of human stuff is what they call a "job."

Nobody knows exactly what this so called "job" thing really is, but some of the older dogs have made some educated guesses as to what they might be:

1. Probably Their Self Defense - Known to puppies as PTSD, this form of self-defense for humans might be how they cope with being away from their puppies all day. Humans that own puppies really love their puppies, they just don't understand every bark, but that just means you sometimes have to bark differently to make sure they understand.
   
   
2. Upper Lip See - This theory, invented by an old bulldog, suggests that humans need time to rest or the IRS might seize their puppy. The bulldog named this theory because he can see his own upper lip; most dogs cannot do that.
   
   
3. Down Sit Drone - A German Shepherd I met a few years ago offered his theory that some humans are actually robots that can't think for themselves. These robots need help adjusting to daytime activities and that's why they are gone all day. When they return, they are tired and cranky, which proves his theory.
   
   
4. Violet Abs Use - This silly theory comes from a crazy dalmatian that smokes a lot. She said that humans are always confused and angry, which is where most of our earlier teachings were based from, so they need five days in a row to go exercise and do lots of sit-ups so their organs feel better. Though the dalmatian was proven crazy, her theory is a popular one, which is sad sometimes.
   
   
5. An Emmy - Some humans are great actors; however, in the acting business, movie stars don't eat enough healthy food because they want to be skinny for the camera. As a result, puppies who want to win an Emmy, don't eat enough vegetables that are high in iron and similar minerals. Puppies expend a lot of energy, running around, barking at everybody, and howling at the moon. Listen to your master, and make sure you always eat your dark green vegetables, like spinach, broccoli, kale, and Brussel sprouts. Remember, always take your Flintstone vitamins every morning.
   
   
6. Aunt Chriss - Puppies have loving moms; sometimes, a little overbearing. To solve this problem, puppies need a lot of attention from all family members. Puppies need to know that every member of their family loves them. Make sure puppies get to spend time with all their aunts, uncles, cousins, and especially grandparents. Puppies can be a lot to handle for two parents alone, so the help of family can help alleviate the burden of an anxious puppy. Grandparents are especially great at helping puppies feel loved because they are so patient.
   
   
7. Nappy Head - Puppies run around all day, whether they want to or not. That is simply the nature of being a puppy; they were born to run. On the flip side of running around all day, is the need to take naps. This is especially true for puppies with thick fur. They are always overheating and need to cool down. A nice glass of milk and a pillow is just what the doctor ordered after a few hours of nonstop.
   
   
8. Otter Problems - Some puppies think they're otters. That's silly, don't you think? But some dogs were made to swim in the water, and therefore, because they are good swimmers, they think they are otters. To deal with this confusion, puppies need to run around as much as possible every day. A good amount of exercise can fix almost anything, and puppies have a lot of energy that they need to release. The best solution is a small and healthy meal every three to four hours, up to six (6) meals a day, and plenty of exercise in between those mini meals. Part of being a puppy means that you spend more energy than other animals, but you can't eat big meals at once. So these puppies need lots of small meals throughout the day. After a few weeks, the puppies will stop thinking they're otters; problems solved.
   
   
9. Sweet Puppilicious - This theory, invented by Dr. Candie Kane, is rather simple. Puppies love eating small meals, as we just stated. If they try to eat only a few big meals instead of a bunch of small meals, then they will become exhausted and possibly dyslerious, and in an attempt to counteract that feeling, they will seek a fast remedy to continue their need for energy with sweets. Proper starches and carbs in the morning and early afternoon will help puppies get the energy they need and prevent them from seeking energy sources when their master isn't looking. Puppies can be sneaky, and their thirst for nutrition to feed their hunger for energy is unquenchable if a proper diet of many small meals is not followed. Keeping Dr. Candie away from puppies is always a good start, but then puppies will need something to replace that hunger.

Puppy Theories

Puppies have many theories on what humans do all day instead of playing in the backyard with them.

None of those theories make any sense, because humans don't understand how awesome being a puppy can be.

Puppies have keen senses that alert them to their surroundings before humans have any idea what's going on. Sometimes humans get confused when it seems like puppies are barking for no reason. That is because humans can't hear and smell like puppies can.

What may seem important to a puppy is not necessarily important to their human masters. That is because puppies have a larger safety area than humans. Puppies can hear for miles away, but humans can barely hear themselves thinking.

On the other hand, humans remember a great deal of information very quickly, whereas puppies only remember things after some time has passed. Puppies might not remember what happened ten minutes ago, but a few days later, they will be able to access that same memory with no problems.

For puppies and humans to get along, they both need to compromise a little, rather one overcompensating and the other being stubborn. When it comes to raising a puppy, there is no right and wrong, only happy and unhappy.

Puppies can sense how a human feels and even sometimes thinks. Sometimes humans and puppies confuse each other. Patience is something only the human can exercise, while kindness and loyalty are two things that all puppies are born with.

Puppies don't need to be rebels, but sometimes, if the nine theories of human jobs are ignored, problems may occur.

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